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[Dec. 9th, 2009|04:18 am] |
I'm always amazed how just a feel little moments with a person you really care about can make you feel so much better about your lot in the world. It's like magic really. I guess the point of the story is to never get too bogged down in the mire of loneliness, 'cause you're always just a few beers and some good laughs away from feelin' better again.
I would write more, but it's late, and I have to make a journey to Sam Club's tomorrow to get a shit ton of candy for my mother. I hope it's an excitin' adventure. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 8th, 2009|04:57 am] |
I just wanna run away. Not like a child runs away from his or her parents when they get angry. I just wanna go some place else. I wanna see different things and be with different people. People that don't know me, or think they know me. I just wanna hang out with total strangers and get to know them and see what other parts of the world have to offer. I have no idea what I'm doin' or where I plan goin', and because of that I choose to do nothin'. I'm an expert at doin' nothin', hell I dare say I'm at the top of my field. If there's time to be wasted give me a call. I'm good at it. I'm good at nothing. Who's good at shit like that ya know?
I wish I wasn't. I wish I was better at something. I wish I was better at tryin'. But it's hard to try when you don't really have any hopes, goals, or aspirations. I lack places to go and brass rings to grab. Why? I dunno, I guess I just got so caught up in tryin' to get by that I've spiraled into this place where it's all I really know how to do. I'm basically a 25 year old child. Sure I don't think like a kid (most of the time), and I do exhibit child-like qualities all the time constantly. But I'm 25 years old and I'm not really doin' much of anything. Just a mass of wasted potential. I'm lonely and bored and need something to get me kick started. But what? Maybe a new year? A new place? New faces. I don't know.
It just seems as if everything is either passin' me by or right behind me barrelin' down on my ass, and I'm 'bout to lose it. Not like shoot up a public place lose it, just bout to go crazy. Maybe I am crazy. Aren't we all just a little bit nuts though? I reckon I just thought things would be better and fall into place, and I'm always just constantly waitin' for them to, because hell, they always have time and time again. Yet, it doesn't appear if this strategy is gonna work much longer.
I'm just bored. And my boredom morphs into apathy, and when I don't give a damn that's a very bad thing. I'm a self-destructive person by nature. I'm not gonna cut myself or down a bottle of whisky and pop some pills or anything. One because if I did drink a whole bottle of Whiskey I'd be drunk as hell and feel like shit the next day. And two I don't do pills. I'm not gonna cut myself or blow my head off or anything like that. I self-destruct in different ways. I push everyone and everything way. I hole up in my own little world and say I just don't give a fuck. And believe me, for the longest time I haven't. I've been content to just let the world go about it's business and just leave me alone.
But what happens if I get hurt? How would I pay for it? What happens if I find a hot babe that wants to do it? Am I gonna take her back to my mother's house and fuck her in the yellow-walled room I sleep in? How will I ever get my own place and have a wife and kids and all those other kind of welcomed stresses if I can't get out of my perpetual funk and do something meaningful with my existence? I'm not tryin' to save the world here, just myself, and my sanity.
The problem is, I don't wanna do things I don't wanna do. I can't always come to terms with the fact that you HAVE to do shit you have no desire of doin' if you do desire to have those things that make people truly happy. You have to work hard and take shit from people you feel like you're smarter, nicer, and better than. You gotta take your bumps and deal with your bruises and keep on pushin' forward. I know all that, I really do, but I just don't wanna do it. I hate bein' told what to do. How to act, and this is right, the only right, and anything else you say or do is wrong. It's not that I can't weather storms, I've weathered more than my fair share, I just don't see the point of standin' in the rain when all you're gonna do is get wet.
I guess I don't know what I'm sayin' really. I'm just broken. I'm not unfixable. I can fix this. I just need something more. A muse. Motivation. A reason to be better than I am. I need some sort of passion that I know I can't live without, and that I hafta fight to hold on to. I'm just a lonely, jobless 25 year old dude with a decent head on his shoulders that's wonderin' like hell what it's gonna take to right his ship. I'll figure it out.
I'm just startin' to hate it here. My friends are all becomin' homebodies and never want to do anything that doesn't involve sittin' on a couch. I have no desire to go out and get plastered every damn night. 1) Because I lack the funds and 2) I feel like shit the next day and 3) Been there done that. But I do wanna go places and experience different shit instead of just sittin' somewhere for hours on end.
I think I'm gonna go and just get some menial job, maybe two. And make some monies, save it up. Get like a thousand monies or so, fill my car up with gas and just head somewhere. I got family here (who are awesome) and I got some decent friends round these parts, but I need to be in a place where I can sink or swim on my own. That's the only way probably I'll ever learn, the only way I'll ever really change. I just wanna be happy and wake up every day ready to tackle the world ya know. I feel like the Carolina Panthers sometimes, I have the talent, and I have a game plan that has proven itself to work time and time again, but for whatever reason (bad luck, tough bounces, my own ineptitude, etc) I just can't put it all together.
So that's my plan. Make some monies. Save them. Go some place. Not a solid plan by any stretch of the imagination. Hell....it's not even really a logical plan. But it's something. I'm not good with plans, I've never really made them before. But I'm tired of doin' what I'm doin', I'm tired of here. I remember a conversation me and Kelly Scott had a while back, when she was here for Pozil's weddin'...she said I should probably get away from this town because while I did love it, it also made me miserable and was probably holdin' me back. I dismissed it then, but here I am six months later and it makes a little more sense. It's kind of like holdin' on to that significant other who you really, really care about, and when things are great they're great, but when things suck it's really shitty. You love them and they probably love you, but they just bring you down. I'm the kind of dude that'll stay in one of those relationships forever, because I'm loyal, almost to a fault. And I think this little world I've created for myself is that bad relationship that I really love and can't let go of completely, but in all actuality it's detrimental to my personal growth.
I haven't really changed much if I at all since I was 18 years old. Seven years of the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. But I always revert right back to the middle. I'm still an optimistic realist who doesn't really concern himself with whether or not the glass is half full or half empty. I just know that sooner or later the glass will be empty. I either have to find some way to fill it back up, or drink it all and enjoy the fuck out of it. I don't believe in meant-to-be's and things happenin' for a reason, I just want to experience life in the moment and learn all that I can from it. I love irony and coincidences. I believe in wishing and Christmas miracles. I want love more than anything. I want happiness slightly less that that. I just want to be as worry-free as possible. I think that's what contributes to my longevity my lack of stress. I'm pretty even keel.
There's a ton of talent I have to work with, I just gotta tweak the game plan a tad, and get the coachin' staff to relate it to the players a little bit better. Wish my luck on my silly ass little plan. I'm sure I'll make it happen, whether it's a good idea or bad idea reminds to be seen.
I gotta fix my shit otherwise I'll never be happy. I can't continue to give people ammo to shoot at me with, the best way to silence the critics is to be your own personal success right? Fuck though. This sure will be hard. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 4th, 2009|03:40 pm] |
I for the life of me cannot fathom why girls are so head over heels for dudes that already have bitches. Maybe they want what they can't have. Perhaps it's some sore of vestigial, primordial, trait that was necessary way back in caveman times (when women were only concerned with finding a mate, and a mate was more appealing if he was being pursued by other females). I don't fuckin' know. It's retarded. And even more retarded; when they're infatuated with a dude they KNOW will treat them like shit. If he has a girl already and he's hollerin' at you that doesn't mean he's in an unhappy relationship. If he was in an shitty relationship he'd break up with his girl. It means he's just tryin' to get as much ass as he possibly can. If he's cheatin' on his girlfriend...a person he actually made a commitment to...then you have to at least be thinkin' to yourself welp maybe there's the slight (sarcasm) possibility that he'll cheat on me given the opportunity.
Sure I get it...I've read, In The Book, that women typically are attracted to guys to damaged guys. Because by nature women are nurturing. It's why they're great listeners. Why they remember the most minute details about the dumbest stuff. Hell, it's why they're such great mothers. But here's a newflash...you CANNOT change a dude. No matter what. I've had girls that I should've altered my ways a bit for; awesome girls in fact. But I continued doin' the same shit I was doing in spite of the stupidity of it. Why? Because I'm a stubborn dumbass. Because I hate bein' told what to do. But really, because I am who I am and I'm not tryin' to change because I'm comfortable bein' me. Bein' me is all I really know how to do. It's all any dude knows how to do. A guy will only change AFTER he gets the girl. Not prior. And even that's rare. The only way to really inspire meaningful change in any dude is to get him to love you fully and then threaten to leave his life forever if he doesn't fix his shit. And EVEN THAT isn't enough sometimes.
The point I'm tryin' to make is you can't change a dude. If he's cheatin' on his girlfriend he's gonna cheat on you when he bumps into his next conquest. A dude that cheats on some one is an asshole. A girl that cheats on some one is a bitch. Or a whore. People that break commitments aren't all of a sudden gonna reform and be totally different just because you're in their life. He just wants your lady parts.
Is this rant stemmin' a bit from jealousy? Hell yeah. Am I pissed because once again a dick head draws the attention away from a decent dude like me? Fuck yeah! But really I care about you. You make me laugh. You're pretty. I enjoy your company and I think we go together pretty well. I don't want you to get hurt by some douche like you have before. I wish you'd just make life easy on yourself for once and give a dude like me a chance. I'll make you laugh and be nice to you from time to time. I'll give you hell too, but only because I give a fuck and that's how dudes show emotion, when real emotions are a little too hard. I'll open every door in the world for you, even though you don't need me too. I might not be the prettiest and I sure as fuck ain't the richest, but I like you, and I think we could have a good thing if we just gave it a chance. That's all I'm sayin'.
And it's not specifically directed ONLY at you. A lot of girls are like this. Girls that I care about in a myriad of ways that I don't really have the time (because I'm bout to take a shower) to explain. I get that it's human nature to desire that which we can't have. The insatiable spirit of humanity is what drives us to write poignant literature, paint masterpieces, and build huge ass buildings. It's how we progress and advance and make it through this crazy clusterfuck of existence the Good Lord in all His alleged infinite wisdom created for us. Maybe He we smarter than I give him credit for though, 'cause hell it does seem to be workin' out ok. But on the flip side, you never saw God hollerin' at any broads. So he definitely has to be a damn genius.
But seriously...think about shit Loyal Readers who happen to be female. Give the guy that's actually pursuin' you a chance as opposed to the one that just acts like he is. A good dude will do whatever it takes to treat you right and make you happy, a bad one will just do whatever the fuck makes him happy, consequence and YOUR FEELINGS be damned. I'm just sayin' romance doesn't have to be retarded. It doesn't have to be all heady and logical either. There's a happy medium in between somewhere. I wanna be your happy medium.
Welp see ya later Loyal Readers....rant over. |
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[Nov. 30th, 2009|06:15 am] |
I'm pretty sure I like orange juice a lot more than I thought I did...metaphorically speakin'.
Also Snowball's Chance is the PERFECT name for a race horsie.
We have paper towels that are softer than our toilet paper.
I don't like ADD-ults...they make me uncomfortable.
Apparently I have too much energy for my friends who would prefer to just sit around and watch TV as if they were middle-age people.
I think it's 'cause they're all in relationships and apparently you lose the desire to have fun out in the big crazy world when you find somebody.
Sore-ree these are all kind of bullet-less bullet points, but I don't feel like typin' out everything.
Kristen deleted her myspace. I know why (she's a teacher and she can't be havin' her students all in her business) but it still made me a little sad, kind of like well now what? I know it's my fault just as much as her's that we don't reconnect, but it's just hard to always be reminded that I came in second place.
My family is fun. Thanksgiving sucks without turkey and stuffin' and I like bonfires.
I always kind of feel like I don't really fit in totally anywhere. I have tons of friends but I never quite feel as if we're always on the same page, I'm not real sure how much of this is my fault and how much of the blame belongs to them. But it's not really that big of a deal, 'cause generally I'm pretty good at amusin' myself.
Tiffany is pretty and I like the way she talks.
I don't like...no I hate church, because every time I'm there all I can think about is when me and Leia used to sit in the pews and write notes back and forth to each other on the bulletin. Sore-ree God...I know you're a nice dude most of the time, and I don't have a problem with you really...just not a fan of your house. But I have plenty of friends who's house I've never been to.
Textin' while drivin' in North Carolina will garner you an one hundred monie fine startin' Tuesday.
I have got to find something substantial to sink my teeth into.
It's lookin' pretty grim that the Panthers will make the playoffs...just a rough year for the squad.
The followin' are bad ass rasslin' names I've thought of: "The Subliminal Criminal" Vic Timms, Bruce "Boozed up Bruiser" Brewer, Hunk Thompson, and Ricky Rogue.
That's all I got. Maybe a real entry is forthcomin' in the near future, but don't hold your breath, unless you're underwater and not a fish.
Also, I have got to win the lottery.
Standing on the moon with nothing left to do
A lovely view of heaven but I'd rather be with you ~ Grateful Dead. I think this is an incredibly poignant and beautiful in it's simplicity.
That is all...night Loyal Readers. |
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[Nov. 19th, 2009|06:25 am] |
I like orange juice ok. It doesn't taste terrible. It's tangy and with just a hint sweetness. It's fairly healthy (it prevents Scurvy ya know?). It's even a happy color. Yet without fail, every time I pour myself a glass I never finish it. I always end up pourin' some or most of it out. When I have it right there, It always takes me so much longer to drink it than it does other beverages. I'm a firm believer in the virtues of hydration after all, so I usually down liquids pretty fast.
But it leaves a funny taste in my mouth. And it doesn't really compliment any other kind of food. Like milk goes well with cookies and sodie pops with pizza pies and beer with chicken wings, but what does orange juice really taste good with? Toast? Toast sucks without jelly and orange juice tastes horrible with jelly. I guess orange juice and Vodka, but I can't be downin' Screwdrivers all every time I get a cravin' for OJ ya know?
I think there's a metaphor in here somewhere. I like orange juice in theory, but after the initial sip I don't desire quite as much. At least with apple juice I drink the whole glass before I decide I no longer desire it. So I'm not quite sure if I'm totally sold on OJ. Yes it hydrates me and makes me feel better and it's pretty and tasteful. But could I drink it all the time? Hard to say.
Back in my youth I used to like grape juice; drank it all the time. Then I went to college and gradually drank less and less of it, and just totally lost the taste for it. Every now and again I'll see some in a fridge somewhere and I might take a little sip of it. It doesn't taste the same though. It's different. Maybe the package is the same, and I'm pretty sure it's still grape-flavored, but it's just like it's not what it used to be in my mind. And it's not like I'm out there on the prowl for grape juice...I'm not. But on the rare occasions I do see it, I kind of want to taste and see if I can recapture that magic a little bit. But I think both me and grape juice have moved on. It was tasty, delightful, and good for my soul at one point in time, but now it's kind of just a drink. And it makes me a little bit sad inside. But as long as I don't think about grape juice, I only tend to miss it when I actually see it right in front of me. I'm definitely grateful that I can always look back fondly to the good ole days when I used to drink the hell of that shit and smile a little bit.
I really like tea though. I like tea with lemon. I like how the sourness of the lemon really meshes with the sweetness of the tea. I can't get enough tea. I can drink glass after glass and cup after cup. It goes great with everything. I drink it when I eat cheese eggs all the time. Tea is the first thing I want when I'm hungover. What I drink during Panthers games. The one drink I always want when I'm eating spaghetti or sub-sandwiches or any other badass food that's my favorite. And I like tea, because it's a little bit different every time. Sometimes it's a little bitter but most of the time it's a tad too sweet. But I drink it anyway, because I love it. I like how it's kind of crazy and different because I never really know what to expect from it....other than I know it'll be tea. Even if it's unsweeten tea, just a little bit of sugar and it's right back to it's good as hell tasting liquid self. I could never in a million years grow weary of tea. Hell, if beverage bandits rolled through town and laid down a decree that said every man, woman, and child was only allowed to drink one beverage from now till eternity's end; I'd pick tea. I wouldn't think twice. I definitely wouldn't consider any other alternatives. And the best part about tea is I can make it. It takes a little bit more effort compared to most beverages. But all you need is some tea bags and a bit of sugar and a little time. Tea is this complicated ass beverage that is comprised of simple ingredients. And feel as if I can make it better than anybody else (as least in accordance with what suits my tastes). I love tea. The world needs more tea.
Yeah...there's definitely a metaphor in there somewhere. Haha...good night Loyal Readers. |
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[Nov. 12th, 2009|04:35 am] |
I like everything about you. I know I say that probably too much. About girls I really care about, but my standards are just so high and weird that I have to fully appreciate a girl before I can really ever fall for her. And I'm falling for you. I didn't mean to, maybe I did. I'm pretty sure it's ok. I'm sure you have your hang-ups and reservations about it, who doesn't have worries and concerns when they know that somebody else cares about them? Lord knows I do. Like hell. When will they come? Is it worth it? Will they stay? Can I do enough to keep them? The list goes on and on and on. And I'm sure there's more specific fears.
But I don't care about what I'm scared of, I'm not scared of anything about this. Sometimes things just fit. The universe just sends people like-minded and similar souled person into one another. I don't believe in meant-to-be's and fate and soul mates and all that stuff. I do believe in connections. I do believe two people be very much one in the same. I mean really...how many other people in the world love the Pirates of the Caribbean ride? Let's face it, be honest. It's ridiculous. You ride a little boat that goes past a giant pirate ship and some like little creepy village. And some weird pirate is feeding a ham to a doggie. It's not that cool. But I love it. It's off-beat and bizarre and the pirates have these strange contorted faces that make me laugh. Perhaps a million other people in the world love the ride, I don't want them then though, I want you.
You make me laugh and you're fun. You don't take things so seriously. You laugh at all my jokes (even the ones that aren't funny). I know I'm not that awesome, but I feel like you make me a little bit better of a person that I am. I believe that a vital part of any meaningful relationship is the ability of each parties capacity to affect the other person in a positive way. And maybe it's one-sided, but you've made me actually go out there and get a real job. Not directly, but I want to treat you really well. And I know havin' monies is only a small part of that. But if I expect you to be pretty and you're holdin' your end of the bargin...quite admirably I might add, then maybe I need to switch my style up a bit.
I could be alone forever by continuing down this current path. I could have a great time amusin' myself by constantly comin' up with clever and creative ways to skirt by in life. I'll be honest (a rarity) but I put a lot more effort into not putting effort than I do actually doin' much of anything constructive. And I've never hated myself for it. I still don't hate myself for it, I kind of like gettin' by on nothin' by my wits and the kindness of strangers. But where's that gonna get me? It's just gonna get me more nothin'. I've had nothin' all my life. Not nothin' nothing, but not really anything substantial, worthwhile, or truly valuable. And the rare times I did, I wasn't able to keep my grasp on it. I can do whatever I want. I really can. The problem's always been that I get more of a kick out of bein' the greatest thing that never was than I ever have out of bein' something more than that. I never had a reason. Well, not reason(s) enough to fight. To battle to try and win. I always say I'll never win. And I never do because if I lose I have the uncanny ability to just say, welp we'll get 'em next week.
But next week after next week has passed by, and I still haven't won. I'm not a loser, I'm awesome. I love me. Some people hate themselves and feel as if they have personality traits and quirks that prevent them from reachin' their goals. I'm not like that. Sure I like to pretend like I am every now and again, because truth be told I have a flair for the melodramatic. And yes I've had my bumps and bruises along the way, but nothin' I couldn't overcome. I just made a conscious decision not to. 'Cause I like like rock bottom. Maybe that sounds stoned to you, but I don't enjoy have expectations thrust upon me. I have no desire to be the hero or a leader or world champion.
I just want to be happy. I can make myself content to eternity's end within the realm of my own little world. I can distance myself from all the crazy long enough to always remind centered and calm and relaxed. That's easy. I've been hit with just about everything life can sling at me. And I always get back up, dust myself off, and laugh and say welp if that's all you got world I reckon I'll see you tomorrow. I'm not fightin' back, I just take it.
And I can't ever be truly happy that way. Eventually I have to take responsibility for betterin' my own life. I have to get out there and make things happen. I can do it my way, I just have to have that motivation. And Loyal Readers are more than aware than I have absolutely NO INTERNAL motivation. I have to procure passion from outside sources. Usually women. Haha, but doesn't just about every dude do what he does to get the girl? Well except queers, but I'm sure even they do their little homo things so they can get some butt.
And you just make me feel good. Not in like a crazy way, ok maybe in sort of a crazy way. But I think that's ok. You're not here to motivate and make me better, you think I'm good just the way I am; and I am. Although I can be better, and I've never actually made an effort to do that till here lately. There's just a little more pep in my step and a little more bounce and hop. I'm happier than I've been in a while. And I want to continue that.
I'm just sayin' I like my life better with you in it. And I wanna see where I can take it. Maybe two awesomes cancel each other out but I'd bet my last monie that when two awesomes combine they form a whirlwind of DOUBLE AWESOME. And I'm egg-cited about that. And I'm gonna do whatever it takes till I get you to believe the same thing. Haha sore-ree, I just think you're a helluva catch. I hate you...in opposite-land.
I have more to say....but it's late and I need to go to bed. But I just wrote this whole entry without utterin' a single curse word (assumin' you don't count helluva). I don't. It's my LJ and I'm the king here.
Also, I can ALWAYS tell when people read what I wrote in here based on the things they say to me. I'm not sayin' that's good or bad, I'm just sayin' I always know when my own words get repeated back to me. I don't think it's fair to negatively use what's in here against me, because I've written a disclaimer that says whatever is written in this very live journal is nothing more than whatever happens to be what I'm thinkin' or feelin' at that particular moment. It could mean everything, but it probably means nothin'. After all...words mean nothin' unless you take them literally.
So please don't do that. This is LJ land. A world of self-discovery and introspection wrapped in the guise of absurdity and whimsical nonsense. It's just me sayin what I think or feel the moment I feel or think it. That doesn't make any of it more or less true. There's no lies here. But card is subject to change as they say in the rasslin' business.
I'm goin' to bed, but before I do here's another insightful quote to provoke your thoughts. Goodnight Loyal Readers. This really should resonate with my Loyalest Reader.
I think and think and think; I've thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never once into it." -Jonathan Safran Foer
ps. The Panthers are 3-5 which isn't good. But if you break a 16 game season down into 4-game quarters. The Panthers went 1-3 (with a bye week) in the 1st and 2-2 in the 2nd. Ideally you need to go 3-1 to attain a 12-4 to all but guarantee yourself a playoff spot. So basically we need to go 3-1 these next four games (which aren't as difficult as initially thought) And then in the fourth while I doubt we'll go up to New England and beat the Pats (though we have before with lesser squads) the Vikes and Giants play our style of football so we can maybe steal those games and hopefully get a Saints team that has nothin' to really play for. If we go 6-2 the rest of the way...that'll put us at 9-7 which just might...MIGHT be enough. Things are bleak...especially after losin' our best defensive player...but it's not over. Just believe. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 8th, 2009|07:18 am] |
I have been informed by my loyalest of readers that a one a week (which is really like once a month) update ain't enough. And yeah it really ain't. Seriously honest to God my mother said after meetin' with Josh's mom when cuttin' my brothers hair...she said I oughta join the military. And Isaid FUCK NO (PG style) and momma said well you can use the discipline probably. And I countered with BUT I really hate doin' what I don't like to do.
I don't feel like people shouldnt hafta do what they dislike supremely that ain't fuckin' right? You should be able to do whatever ya won't,,,within the confnes of the confired rules.
It's really sunny out and I caught a sunrise. And it's nuts 'cause I'm not much of a day walker.....but sunrises really all one of the more eff f7uck cock balls! siiiiiiiiiiiiiish mah moo ink donka waaaaaaaaaah! yeah self high five to myself! for half way fallin' for tricks when you makes the dessseeeiomn....efff bed time die die die! but I just remembered Zombies are un dead...worry not. |
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[Nov. 5th, 2009|03:51 am] |
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=klJcD6HyeOg
I think this is really one of the most amazing movie scenes I've ever watched. It's painful and at times heart-wrenching, but it's also incredibly endearing and uplifting. I want this. Ultimately. Not now, hell probably not even any time soon. But something similar to this montage is how I hope my love life turns out eventually; big picture-wise. It'd just be nice to have somebody always there.
I do a lot of shit alone. I drive almost everywhere alone. I walk around places by myself. I'm a solitary dude. I have to have my alone time. My thoughts take over and imagine these grand scenes and schemes of make-believe and romanticize all these off-the-wall idealistic worlds. And I'm cool with that. It's just the way things have been for so long I'm used to it. Now don't get me wrong, I'm a sociable dude. Brandon Robles loves PrimeTime PartyTime as much as the next guy. However, bein' sociable on a surface level and connecting with people in deeper and more meaningful ways are two entirely different worlds. I love to have a good time. I have plenty of good times; too many in fact. Yet, I dunno, I just wish I had a girl around more often to just do little dumb shit with ya know? Like watch TV and talk about it. Or just go for a walk and look around and see events and happenings that people so often (Edit: I had originally typed OVEN instead of OFTEN) tend to over look.
Late, late a few nights ago I was just standing outside looking at the sky for no particular reason, and I happen to see some movement in the distance. Not quick, darting, agile movement, more deliberate and focused (which are my euphemisms for slow and prodding) really. And what did my eyes behold? It was a fucking possum. Just kind of wandering around. Heading somewhere. Who knows where? He (or maybe she, I was too far away to see a possum penis) was just going some place. Almost as if it had a one track mind and it was determined as hell to reach its destination. I didn't really exert any effort to track it though, because who are we kidding here, possums aren't really that exciting creatures, but I just had one of those moments where I thought to myself, it sure would be swell to have somebody around to see this damn thing with me.
And that's what I'm sayin'. I spend so much of my day kind of in my own little world and going on adventures by myself that even I have bouts of loneliness. Not like debilitating bouts mind you, just little nudgings that kind of remind me that I don't, won't, and probably can't be emotionally isolated forever. If I do that I could most surely be content till the end of time, but I seriously doubt I'd be truly happy.
But there's roadblocks. The majority of said roadblocks are self-imposed. I don't like bein' vulnerable. I don't like discussing feelings and important shit. I hate having boundaries and limitations and having to act in certain ways just because it's how things are 'sposed to work. And I absolutely LOATHE bein' told what to do. It drives me absolutely insane. If you're payin me monies, fine, I can deal with it for eight hours a day, but I can't stand people who try and control me. I'm not easily influenced. I don't really follow social conventions. I like to yell out inappropriate things. Sometimes I like to get drunk and just be an dickhead and make an ass out of myself. I don't believe any one should ever limit themselves when it comes to easing their woes and pursuing their happiness. Everyone oughta be allowed to do whatever it takes to make their lives as stress-free and joy-filled as possible.
What about drug addicts you say? And people that abuse their significant others? What about murderers and thieves and just deplorable sinners you implore? Well to that I say how much of their actions are really in pursuit of happiness? Do people abuse, beat, steal, and kill for pleasure? I don't think they do. But if they're not doin' it to be happy than aren't they at the basest level committing acts of atrocity to avoid their own sorrows? Perhaps they are. And sure I said human beings have the right to do whatever it takes to ease their troubles. And they do, but when their actions create more worries as opposed to alleviating that which ails them, then their actions become corrupt, their morality becomes muddled, and people become nothing more than animals. When people engage in activities without reason or logic, and totally disregard the greater good, then the ends cease to justify the means. And without justification for our actions then we become no better than the creatures that go bump in the night.
Of course I highly doubt any of you, my Loyal Readers, believe me to be a paragon of virtue. I'm not. I do fucked up shit all the time. I lie. I cheat. I steal. But I have codes. I can't tell you what they are because then chances are they'd be used against me and fuck that. I can justify every action I do, and I always try to maintain moral balance, because I don't believe myself to be neither wholly good nor absolutely bad. I do what I do because I either want to or have to. Sometimes I do nothing at all. Literally nothing and I just pretend as if the problem or action never occurred. I've found that in this dynamic world people are constantly experiencing sensory-overload. There's too much information being put out and too much shit goin' on, and if you can somehow distance yourself from the problem and distract people long enough they'll forget about it. Of course this doesn't work for everything mind you, but it is a useful tactic when necessary.
See I'm neither moral or immoral. I'm borderline amoral. While I believe the majority of people have convictions, moral codes that they adhere to, I believe, under certain circumstances nearly every man, woman, and child will fore go their principles for the sake of self-preservation. The handful that won't are far nobler than I, hell they probably could even be considered for sainthood, but as my old pal "The Million Dollar Man" Ted Dibiase always says..."Every man has his price". I don't pretend to be steadfast in my convictions. To a certain extent I believe that everything means nothing and sometimes nothings can be your everythings. I feel as if life is a jumbled bunch of random happenstances that it is our duty to make meaningful. Things don't happen for a reason, we assigns reasons to why things happen. It's perfectly acceptable to believe in things that have no basis in fact or logic. It's called faith and it's very noble and ideal and every now and again necessary for sanity's sake.
Truthfully, I feel as if self-preservation is the primordial instinct of every living creature. We exist to Be. We battle and scratch and claw away at life because we want to stay here a while and experience joy and passion and love and all those other warm fuzzy fucking feelings. But while self-preservation is of the highest priority to most living things, humans are different in that, we want more. We don't want to just Be, we want to win, to succeed, to climb mountains and shout down from their summits how we've bested all the trials and tribulations life's thrown in our path. I get that. That's cool. I'm down with being the best. I just have no desire personally to be the best. Because once you attain your heart's desires and reach that pinnacle, where do you go from there? Down. Down. Down. Which isn't necessary a bad thing all the time, because hell it's a lot more exhilarating to go flying downhill than it is to arduously ascend to the peak. Of course it's rewarding to reach the top, but you don't stay there. You head down and at best enjoy the ride and at worst gain valuable experience from the fall. Then you do it all over again. It really is kind of a beautiful thing.
And that's what I kind of see a little bit of when I watch that montage. Life isn't about being good or bad or a success or a failure. It's about continuing on. Surviving. You do whatever it takes to thrive. You limit the nose dives. You just keep swimming I believe a forgetful little blue fish once said. There's moments where you commit grand feats of heroics and times when you do really fucked up shit. Up and down, round and round, ebb and flow; that's what life is.
I'll do it alone, I have plenty of practice. But one day there's gonna come a point where I want somebody along for the ride. Paradise Falls.
In case your wondering, yes the majority of my realities stem from cartoons. What can I say? I like irony, it keeps my clothes wrinkle free.
Bullet Points: (With dashes because I have no fucking clue how to make bullet points)
- The Panthers need to beat the Saints. I think they can. Sure they just came off of a big emotional win and could be in store for a let-down game, but the Panthers by design, are built to defeat a team like the Saints. As long as we can stop their run game I think our secondary will be ok. Ron Meeks, our defensive coordinated has a heralded reputation for limiting opposing offenses big play opportunities. And while I'm well aware that Drew Brees and Friends can dink-and-dunk us to death (not to mention run the ball with relative effectiveness) our back seven might be among the best in the league, and the defensive line, which was considered a weak point early in the season is starting to gel and make some plays. On offense all we have to do is pound the rock with Double Trouble and look for the big play once they start creeping into the box. Of course this all sounds so simple on paper and the Saints possess one of the most advantageous home fields in the league due to the immense noise that reverberates throughout the Super Dome. It won't be easy. but I think we can pull it out. HA! That's she said!
- Poor Kelly Scott slipped and fell and hurt her knee. So everyone wish her a speedy recovery.
- Big Bird has Fingers!
- For the first time in like a million years I have up-to-date tags, inspection, and even insurance. I've been driving around without insurance for at least two years. Somehow the DMV never noticed so it was never an issue, and I figured what the hell, I'll just drive super safe and hopefully luck will be on my side. It was. Neato. Insurance is fucking stupid anyway. Sure it's awesome if I crash (knock on wood) but if I'm a safe driver and if nothing happens then it's just a waste of monies. You know what? They should give you your monies back if nothing bad happens! New law! Call O'BAMa! Make it happen!
- I wish I had the cajoles (PG word for BALLS) to go to an open mike night at a Comedy Club. I feel like I'd be really good at stand-up, once I got the hang of it. I'm really good at jokes. Not so much written defined ones, but I'm good at observational humor, and I talk funny, people would laugh at me. Maybe one day I'll try it.
- I think it might be time to find a real job soon. I need monies and I'm startin' to get bored not goin' places.
- I wish you could go to college to be an Adventurer. I would make a helluva Adventurer. Traveling the globe, battling bandits, looking for jewels and discovering lost artifacts and exploring new terrain. Hell, I'd even wear a fedora! Just like Indiana Jones! It'd be awesome as shit, and I'm sure I'd get all kinds of hot, EXOTIC babes! Onward Ho!!!!!!!
- I CANNOT get Lady GaGa's Pokerface song out of my heart. My brain just continues to say over and over again PA-Pa-Pa-Pah Poker-PAH FACE!
- Arrested Development is an awesome show...at first I didn't really get it, but then I watched a lot of episodes of it and it really was hilarious and it depresses me a great deal more now that it was canceled that it did originally
- I can FINALLY type on this laptop in the dark. I can almost text on my phone without lookin' at the Butt-tons! A far cry from where I was early in my texting career.
Welp that's all for now. Long ass entry I know. But I had thoughts and I decided they needed to be shared. Night loyal readers I shall leave you with delightfully soothing quote.
Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.
~Marcel Proust |
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[Oct. 17th, 2009|05:16 am] |
My problem with love and feelings is....I always which places where I feel as if someone is the best they can be...and then something happens and I think to myself maybe I care about them more or less than I though I did. I only have unconditional love for one person in this world...aside from my family naturally...and it bothers me that I feel like this. I don't like feelings because as a general rule; they change. And I'm not a fan of change.
Just the other day I was rummagin' around in the storage building and I found a big box of old shit from my high school days. Aside from the fact that I felt like I was a ghost lookin' at shit as if I was DEAD. It kind of made me happy and sad. I read old year books and how people signed them that I was really close with in high school and I kind of drifted apart from. The only one of those people things haven't changed at all with is Lyndsie...and yeah...I don't see her nearly as often as I did..or hell as I'd like to...but no matter how long I go without seein' her things aren't even any different now, in the way we interact, than they were in high school. I really appreciate that. She still gives me fuckin' hell...(like tellin' me Kristen was pregnant tonight tonight)...which admittedly...was one helluva damn trick. And I laughed like hell because she really did get me with that one. Why you ask would I be concerned with that? Well hell it's complicated. It didn't bother me so much as it surprised the fuck out of me that I didn't hear about it. Which is even crazier because she's not pregnant at all...it was a trick. But she really got me with it...and I wonder why I'd be so damn concerned about it. It's not my business, but at the same time, I kinda still hold on to the notion that no matter what happens with her is always gonna be my business...'cause shit I put in a lot effort (not always a enough) and a helluva lot of hours (way more than enough) and while maybe it's not a requirement to know of such things...I feel like at the very least I DESERVE to know. All of this is irrelevant really...'cause she's not prego....but still it got me thinkin' about it. Not in like a crazy way...but kind of like in a introspective way ya know? Where you kind of just let your mind wander and see what happens. Plus this time of year always reminds me of her....fall was always when we had our best moments...for the most part...and I try not to concern myself too much with her business...but fuck I wonder sometimes about the one that got away. I mean who wouldn't right?
My old English teachers would give me hell for this shitty ass transition...because let's face there's not one in this instance...but I kind of zoned out tonight. I'm in Charlotte and was watching the race...and the cars were goin' ZOOOOOOM ZOOOOOOOOOM ZOOOOOOM really fast and it kinds of helps you center your thoughts. Not always in the best way, but hell it's nice sometimes to at least be granted the time to put everything in perspective a bit ya know? I mean to be quite Clark with you...I don't know a lickabit about racing...I care even less than a lickabit about it...but when I'm sittin' in the infield atop a RV...drinkin' beer and watchin' cars zoom by...it helps me think. It's pretty wild how it all works really.
I'm not sayin' I thought about Kristen...I didn't. I didn't think about her tell really till I started textin' back and forth with Lyndsie. In fact, I feel bad sometimes because I find myself not thinking about her as much as I feel like I oughta...with her bein' such an integral part of my emotional development and all...but once she got married and after I finally was able to rationalize the fact that she'll always be the one I let get away...it made it easier to deal with. I'm the type of person that's always found it easier to come to terms with things when I can rationalize them as bein' of my own accord. All of that was my fault...not ALL of it..but the majority of the reason it all went south was probably 'cause of me. What would've happened had I not stayed in Greenville for Melanie's KY Jelly Party that Friday night long ago when I had planned on headin' that way that evening initially? As fun as that night was...was it worth it? Probably not... But even that wasn't the end of it...there were times I had chances...I didn't take them. I know I had them in hindsight, but I was just a dumb, scared, dude who wanted something but wasn't quite sure of he was capable of taking it.
And I'm still that person. I was that person when I was readin' through all the love letters and journals entries I'd written in high school...the ones I'd found in that very storage building just a few days ago. But at least then I had the excuse that I was just a dumbfuck kid that had a million things whirlin' through my head. No one wanted me. I'd lost the one person that had mattered to me most. I was just a dude looking for someone to love me unconditionally, no strings attached...no matter how bad I got, I just wanted to be cared about. And yeah...perhaps I had that with her...hell I'll bout bet the damn farm I did..but I didn't know it then and it fucked everything all to hell. And I'm yet to recover from that.
To this day I still can't fathom the notion that I, Brandon Lowery Robles, can be loved unconditionally by someone that doesn't have the same blood runnin' through their veins as me. Which is stupid quite honestly, because there's probably been people that've wanted to. Kristen maybe. Katie definitely. Leia she totally did, I don't doubt that. Other relationships that I let fizzle out because I didn't feel as if I could be who I was and still be cared about, so I didn't even bother.
That's why I really like Tiffany. No matter how mean I am, or what I say to her, or what I do...she's always at least there. Who knows if she feels the same way I feel about her. My guess is she probably does...and I can't be this person I've always been and keep on thinkin' that I'm impossible to love. I'm not. I know I'm not. Half-heartedly. Me and her...we're kind of the same person. We both stay up half the night, especially when we're drinkin'. We both like Rosanne. Hell there's countless times when I've been right in the process of textin' her or thinkin' about textin' her and at the exact same moment she's shot me something. And I kind of dig that...it's not quite love, but it sure as hell is one helluva an infatuation.
And there's always Kelly Scott. Which I know no matter what she'll always be there. Maybe not in person. Maybe I won't even get a damn answer from her...'cause apparently we both hatethe telephone...facebook IM...I hate texting (coupled with the fact that her phone hides my texts)...we pretty much have no conceivable way of communicating. But we somehow manage to find a way. She's my favorite person ever. She's just always there....she just kind of has a way of doin' things where I know she makes an effort to not do things she knows I hate. And I totally appreciate that. I've thought of examples before...but I can't really think of any now...gimme a second.......................OH! How she knows I HATE when girls twirl their hair and how she says she does it all the time constantly...but never once...ever...have I seen her do it when I'm around. And either she's subconsciously not doin' it...or I'm not payin' attention...but I've never seen it. And I'd know if I saw it, 'cause I'd say something about it. Or like a week or so ago when I was thinkin' where to get some food from and I was was leanin' towards Taco Bell and I said "Kelly Scott...I'm fuckin' hungry what the hell should I eat...there's so many choices!" And she said TACO BELL! That's not really that nuts...'cause hell who doesn't love Taco Bell...but it's just really comforting...hell super, mega, ultra comforting to be on the same wave length with another person.
And that's ALWAYS what I'm lookin' for in relationships with other people. Bein' on the same wavelength. I think that's the most important thing about bein' with someone you can care about...bein' able to relate with them without usin' words. You just kind of feel the same things...in fact, that's the sole reason I believe in soul mates. 'Cause hell after all shouldn't people that kinda share the same pieces of soul think the same way? Want the same shit? Think about each other for no real discernible reason at all at the same time? It's funny how that sort of shit works. I stopped believin' in soul-mates for a long ass time....and then in a short ass span I somehow managed to find TWO people that I can relate to in that sort of way. How fuckin' wild is life right?
I had a bunch more shit to type...but I got the GODDAMN HICCUPS! And it's already damn later than fuck...and I have the fuckin' HICCUPS...if I didn't mention that...fuck HICCUPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! These sons of bitches! I'm done..lots of drinkin' and raisin' hell to be had tomorrow. But it's nice to be in the place I'm in right now...at least emotionally..i.all I gotta do is get a nice place monetarily and I'll be on top of the world. Haha fuckin' HICCUPS man...every five seconds Hiccup! time for dots between hiccups.................................hiccup............................hiccup.............................hiccup......hiccup...................hiccup...........hiccup...YES THIS...hiccup....is MY ....hiccup....hiccup...CADENCE! Hiccup...hiccup...hiccup...hiccup! FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Night loyal...hiccup...readers....hiccup. |
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[Sep. 27th, 2009|07:09 am] |
Here's what I think. I think shit sucks. But it's cool, because maybe it sucks today, but it can't always be less than stellar. Sooner or later it's gotta get better, hell the cookie might even bounce in your favor. Bad shit happens, then good shit happens, reverse, and lather, rinse, repeat. No matter how down or bummed about things I get I can never, ever, convince myself of the fact that tomorrow ain't worth making it to.
Why do I say all this? Welp, a person I know blew his damn head off last weekend. I used to be pretty decent pals with him in high school. We used to play video games and smoke weed in the schoolhouse parking lot and talk about life and what have you. He had good ideas, smart kid. He wanted to be something. He had goals and aspirations and places he desired to reach. But he had a past that haunted him. And I'm not gonna play arm-chair psychologist and say it caught up with him, 'cause hell I don't really know much about his final moments outside of speculation. Word on the street though is he took his life because his girlfriend of five years broke up with him. He also lost his job apparently. The hell of it is, I had just seen him at AfterHours about a month and a half ago. He seemed happy. Telling me about the future, how he wanted to be a cop, and how he was bout to get into Basic Law Enfourcement Training.
And then he offed himself. And I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I have NO SYMPATHY for people that take their own lives. I think it's a selfish, cowardly thing to tap out to life's trials and tribulations. Maybe I'm not settin' the world on fire, but hell at least I roll out of bed every morning and try to do shit. Not important shit, not even revelevant shit, but I wouldn't even think to myself I don't wanna be here. I'm lost a lot and fucked up great a good deal, but I don't believe in the insurmountable. You can always win if you try hard. Effort can get you a lot of shit. It's what seperates the hobo from the billionaire I believe.
But you don't fuckin' go and kill yourself. What does that accomplish? You burn out, you die, and your problems aren't resolved. You hurt a helluva lot of people. People that cared about you. People that would've given any damn thing in the world to help you. I don't care if you have all the love in the world for another person and they break your heart...life has to go on. I've lost great loves. I know though that love is the only thing that last forever. I never was much of one for soul mates, and while maybe I almost believe in 'em now, there's still no love on this earth that I could lose that would make me wanna give up. I've lost the best love I've ever had before, and while perhaps I never recovered from it, I'm still on this earth. And hell, funny how it all works out 'cause I've found somebody that I can love that same way.
As much as I say bad damn things about the Good Lord and all that shit, I feel like he exists. We just don't always quite understand his ways. And hell I ain't sayin' he's always right...he might be, but Goddammit he does shit a good bit of time that makes me question the hell out of his ass. Although sometimes you gotta take into account the big picture and use a little bit of hindsight and you can kind of see what the deal is. I don't think he has this grand master plan for you, well I take that back, he does, but the whole beauty of the shit is you don't have to follow it. You can do whatever the blue hell you want. It's crazy.
But you can't just blow your damn head off. That doesn't get you into heaven and it's hell for all the damn people that give a fuck about you. Suicide is a terrible, dishonorable act that I can't nor will I ever condone. Even one of my heros from my young Kurt Cobain blew his head off, I still don't get it. How do you reach a point in your being in which you come to the realization that you're in too much pain to exist? That's dumb shit to me. I've lost a lot, but I can't ever convince myself that there's not a chance I might, just maybe, get some of that shit back.
Suicide is a coward's death. And it while it made me sad that Brad Barnes took his laugh, knownin' who he was, I'm not sympathic for him. I almost wish I could be, cause he was a real swell dude, but he fucked himself. And it's just sad. Very, very sad.
Off topic, but here Kelly Scott..this is a journal entry for you to read. Not the most uplifting one ever, but it's words, that I half-way used my brain to type. Chances are pretty damn good that if there was no Kelly Scott there'd be no Brandon Robles' Livejournal. Haha, but that's why she's my favorite...she's kind of like my muse.
I have got to go to bed...it's seven thirty-five in the damn morning. I just felt like I owed it to my loyal readers to post something. I promise I'll have more enlightening and uplifting entries at a later date and time. Till then...be cool.
ps. No matter what...if I get drunk on Friday night...I can drink a million and not get drunk on Saturday night...whackiest shit. I think it's my body's way of tryin' to curb my drinkin'. Party on though. |
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[Aug. 15th, 2009|03:53 am] |
I know I haven't written anything in a long time. I just haven't really felt all that inspired. Or gotten drunk enough to want to pour my thoughts and feelings into this thing. Sore-ree. I still exist though, barely, but I'm around. I think I'm experiencin' some sort of quarter-life crisis where I don't wanna make that leap from fun-young ADD-ult to borin' MA-Tour ADD-ult. So I'm tryin' to stay in this place that's neither nor and it's causin' me to spiral down into a place that isn't exactly in my best interest.
Life would be easier sometimes I believe if my problems were the usual affair. Like if I was addicted to drugs or loved the bottle a tad too much. But I don't have addictions sadly. My problem is far worse than that. Apathy is my greatest disease. How do you fix somebody that just doesn't give a fuck? Do they have self-help groups for that? Or is it just some sort of inner gumption you have to find to make life happen? I don't want life to happen. I don't want anything to happen. Good or bad. I just want everything to be how it is and for me to be able to enjoy it enough so that I don't have to try hard to change it. That's very sad.
Don't get me wrong there's things I want. People I need. Places I'm bound to reach eventually. I wish it was as simple as just bein' scared. I'm not scared. I just can't make myself walk all the way out the door ya know? It's somewhat difficult to explain to you all in a manner in which I don't sound like a complete and utter nutjob. I just don't care enough to climb to the top of the mountain right now, I've set up this menial base camp at the bottom and I'm just chillin'. The effort is there, but it's always negated by a lack of desire. I just need motivation from outside sources because I lack it internally, but the problem is, I'm not gettin' it. Partially is this my fault? Probably, hell the majority of my follies are self-inflicted. I know all the answers, but I just don't have the will to fill in the blanks.
It's just a passin' phase I like to believe, but it's been happenin' for a very long time and I understand why and I know what I have to do to change it, I just don't. That's the most tragic thing of all. A long time ago I told myself that I might go down as the greatest thing that never was. What's that they say about self-fulfillin' prophecies and all that jazz?
But alas, I'll bounce back, and I'll find what I'm lookin' for and I'll be overwhelmed with passion and drive and ferociously attack whatever in the blue hell I'm meant to do on this planet. I may lack motivation and desire, but I've yet to lose hope. And as long as I have that sooner or later I'll make those steps and be alright.
Sometimes I wonder if it's just a matter of me thinkin' that I can't make myself happy? And that bothers me. So I try to pin it all on the fact that I just don't give a fuck. At least that's a battle I know I can win.
Things aren't exactly pristine in Roblesland, but I'm ok. I'll always be ok. Just sittin' on the end of the bench till my number's called. If I can make it out on the field I can show the world what I've got. But barrin' some great stroke of luck, the only way I'm gonna get to play is if I bust ass in practice. That's the tricky part.
Goodnight Loyal Readers.
ps. Why do chicks get to call their underwear by a fancy name (lingerie) while us dudes just call our underwear? I propose dudes think of some whacky Frenchy-sounding word to describe our undies. Food for thought. |
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[Jul. 25th, 2009|04:18 am] |
I really just wanna fuck a girl. Just have sex with one and blow her mind, and then be done with her. Not any girl specifically...any ole, moderately attractive one will do. No strings attached. Just mindless fuckin'. Where you're not thinkin' about talkin 'to them after tomorrow so you're not concerned with feelings and havin' to be nice to them and all that jazz.
But sadly, I can't. I can only sleep with women I love. It's bullshit. Blame on bein' raised by a single mother, but I just can't ever seem to be that dude that just says hey let's fuck. Sure, I can...to actual girls I have no intentions of sleepin' with, but if I really am attracted to them, I just can't be a dick and sleep with them without lovin' them first. I used to be able to. It was easy...I'd just get really drunk, find a fun, decent-lookin' girl and woo her and hope like hell she was decent in the sack. But that was back when I was a little bit prettier. Now I'm just some dude that doesn't have much to offer a girl but effort, a sense of humor, a little bit of understandin', and the implanted notions that if I'm givin' up shit I care about to be with you, then I obviously care about you. It's just like I went from one extreme to the other and never really found that middle ground, so here I am dead square in the middle of a quarter-century crisis and I have no clue how the fuck to act. Do I do what I used to do? I want to. But I just don't have that mentality anymore. I think I bumped into one too many gals that weren't exactly bedroom wonders, and I kind of got turned off by the whole experience, so I decided to look for something a little more. And some how I reached the point where I can only really care about girls that have issues. Not crazy issues. Not even issues I can adequately explain. But just girls, that are a little crazy and nuts and a tad bit weird. But then again, I reckon all women are right?
I just miss high school sometimes ya know? Where when you cared about the girl you wanted to have sex with her and while it wasn't THE MOST IMPORTANT thing...it at least was kind of something to work towards. And then it happened and it was with someone you truly cared about, and you kind of just miss that passion that accompanied the effort, and you wish you were more willin' nowadays to have the passion to match the effort. If that makes sense. It was just fun then ya know? And don't get me wrong sex in your 20s is still fun. But it just meant a lot more back then, so not only was it fun and new and dangerous and excitin', but it was passionate. Fuck it if it was awkward at times, 'cause your sure as hell didn't have a damn clue what the fuck you were doin'...but that was kind of the charm in it. It's kind of ironic, that the better you get at sex, the less you seem to have it.
I know I said I'd give you loyal readers a less girl-centric entry...and I while this doesn't exactly live up to that promise, it's not about any specific girl really...so I reckon it counts, right? Fuck yeah it does, this is my livejournal and I make the rules here Goddammit!
I dunno...just old feelings have surfaced as of late, and while they're not exactly directed towards old flames...I still can't help but sometimes miss that passion I used to have and wonder what would've been had I not fucked it up. Or not made as much effort I knew I should've. Would things be vastly different or still roughly the same? Hard to say. I just miss that passion...when I had something I really, truly cared about and would go to any length to try and capture that. I guess somethings you just can't let go of, no matter how much time and circumstance alters them, you can always look back on your memories (well best I 'member anyways) and just miss them. I don't think it's necessary a bad thing to pine for the past.
Maybe there's some great, big master plan that dictates where each and every one of us ends up, but I don't buy that. I feel like we all end up where we put ourselves. I just wish sometimes I would've tried a lot harder to hold to that which really mattered to me back in the day. Just been thinkin' of old feelings lately in a feeble attempt to try and translate them into my present-day predicaments...and I reckon I got a bit more caught up in them than I imagined I would. Such is life I suppose.
In other news..went to a concert tonight, saw Skynyrd and Kid Rock and it was badass. Kid Rock puts on one helluva show. I used to love his shit back in the day...and after tonight, I might just be able to get into his new stuff a little bit more than I originally thought. It's funny how comin' into contact with someone in the present can make you remember how much you enjoyed them in the past and lament the fact that you didn't do enough to make sure they made to your future.
But I reckon that's just the way the cookie bounces. Goodnight friends! |
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[Jul. 21st, 2009|03:33 am] |
I'm kind of sad because I feel like all my friends are driftin' away from me. Just what happens with old age and people findin' girls that they get engaged to then marry I guess. Or if it's not that, it's people that are too worn out from the daily grind to go out and do shit anymore. And it makes me sad, because I don't feel old. Well I do today, because my knee is KILLIN' me from playin' basketball. But it was a rough day out on the court...I wasn't the only one that got banged up. Hell, I'll be all right tomorrow. But I sure as hell don't feel old. Fuck, I can't run as long or jump as high as I could way back when. That's alright though, I can still play and have a good time.
Just when did the world become so serious? It's that how it's 'sposed to be at this age? I can't get serious about anything really, unless I believe in it. And I just don't believe in a lot of things right now. Haha, myself included. Sometimes I just feel like this dude that's just exist to make other people happy, and sure that makes me happy, don't get me wrong. But there's generally not a lot of people around to make me happy when I just feel like bein' sad.
I just feel so distant from everything ya know? Disconnected and disjointed from the world I live in, and for a person that thrives on connectivity and what have you, it's drivin' me up the wall. I wish everybody would just want to get together and go to the bar. Hell, you don't gotta get shit-faced, just come out for a beer or two. Maybe I can just think like this because I don't have a reason to come home. When I'm home I feel lonely. I feel lonely a lot a night. Late, late at night. Hell, I'm always doin' shit by myself. It's not THAT bad, because I love to people watch and observe what other people are doin'. I can't be a productive individual on my own accord I guess. Why? Fuck if I know...probably some jiggaboo curse.
The other day me, Varner, and Maness were talkin' about how most girls are bad at hand jobs. It wasn't really a slight, just a matter of fact. And it's not so much that they have poor technique or lack enthusiasm. It's really more so the fact that we can give ourselve handjobs. So when we get one from a girl, it's just really like oh? Cool? I guess. I wish I could think of a metaphor for it, but my brain isn't workin'. I was thinkin'..."It's like goin' to a fancy restaurant, and buyin' a cheeseburger." Because while cheeseburgers are very good, you're at a fancy ass restaurant with all kinds of shit to eat, dude, go nuts (pun totally not intended). But yeah...it was just a topic of conversation that was brought up and then for some reason stayed in my brain. As opposed to all the other actual relevant or poignant shit that evaporates in nanoseconds.
Football season is almost here. I'm stoked about that. Gonna go see the big Skynyrd and Kid Rock concert this Friday should be a kickass time. Tiffany's comin' into town this weekend too so I'll catch her on Saturday. If only all the other days of NOT-FUN weren't in the way of the ones that are. I'm a really shitty ADD-ult. Haha.
Welp sore-ree for the off-the-wall random ramblings...I'm just kind of tired and my thoughts are movin' inside my head a lot faster than my fingers care to attempt to type. SO you get this. I promise, I'll give you a focused, non-girlcentric, decent entry here sooner or later. And I don't even like to make PROMISES! But I figure I owe the one or two loyal, devout readers.
Anywho...good night. Eat shit. Jay-kay!
ps. Did you know a spoon full of honey can cure a scratchy throat? I guess that explains why Pooh never got strep. |
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[Jul. 19th, 2009|04:57 am] |
Life is always gonna be about good vs evil, and as much as I strive to be the bad guy; I'm just not. I'm a good dude at heart. Loyal to the end, always fightin' within the realm of the rules, and just a good-hearted human bein'. I'd love to be a bad person, it's a lot easier to be appreciated as a bad guy than it is to be loved as a good one, but it's just not in me. No matter how hard I try to be this tainted villian my good characteristics are always gonna shine through. I wish this wasn't always the truth, but fact of the matter it is, and I hafta live with it. But I'd love to be the bad guy...but I just don't have it in it me. I'm a good hearted, baby face when the lights come on. Sue me.
While life ain't exactly good..at least it's simple 'cause I know what the root of my problems are...MONIES. As Vincent Kennedy McMahon says...it's all about the MONE-NAAAAAAAY! Tough but true fact...I'll get there though...work in progress. I don't wanna be rich...just well off enough to not hafta worry 'bout not havin' enough. That's what I'm shootin' for...by hook or by crook. haha. Night world...too tired to type much else. |
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[Jul. 15th, 2009|03:46 am] |
I wonder if sometimes it's possible for people to just be on the same wavelengths. I think it's not a lot of the time and that usually it's just good guesswork by me when I say or do something right before someone says something. It happens ALL the time in RASSLIN' Land. I'll say something and then almost immediately after I say it the announcers will say it on the television and it's really weird every time. And see that shit right there is guess work really. Educated guess work, but still a guess work nonetheless.
But what about those rare instances when you happen to be thinkin' something about somebody and then as it turns out that person at least acknowledges the thought processes you had. Almost as if they read your mind. I always thought that was kind of crazy, and I dunno how much of it can be attributed to that person knowin' you or bein' able to pre-read your actions, and how much it really does have something to do with people bein' incredibly in tune with one another.
Now don't go nuts on me here, but when I started this thing I believed roughly 0 percent in soul mates. I mean c'mon? Two people that just happen to share the same thoughts and feelings and likes and dislikes. Another bein' that reacts the way you expect them to react and you can understand why (or at least accept) they reacted in that way when they act against the norm. It's very odd to me how I can think something, not actually say it, but think it, and then it comes out of another's person mouth later. That's just blows my mind man. So I'm up to maybe 20% believe points that soulmates exist. I still don't buy all this dipsie-doo shit how people aren't meant to be together and how fates brings them together and all that jazz. I might not ever fall for that. But what I've learned about love and relationships in the last half decade or so is maybe there's always the potential to know somebody on a higher level. Sometimes it takes nothin' more than pure and sustained effort. Most of the time there's just a buncha luck and guessin' involved. Hell, sometimes people actually even listen to one another and remember little shit about people they care about. So yeah I'd say I believe in the possibilities of soulmates slightly more than when I started this gig. Just in observation.
In other news, Creekside Hoops Court will be closed all week due to an All-Star Baseball tournament. What does this have to do with basketball in a public park you say? Welp, the courts are situated directly behind the left field bleachers and apparently-- alledgedly-- ADD-ults have been complainin' about excessive foul language comin' from the people playin' out there. I don't know WHO it could be that would ever cuss durin' a hoops match...especially when his shots rim out...or his team turns the ball over, or doesn't play D, and ESPECIALLY when the COLORED FELLA makes a RIDICULOUS IMPOSSIBLE, TOTALLY BULLSHIT THREE right over his outstretched hand. Surely no one would ever dare curse under these circumstances (though they have every reason to). PS. When that fella made that shot...I yelled FUCKING GODDAMMIT SONUVABITCH FUCK! As loud as I could and kicked over the trash can. Don't worry, I picked it back up...I don't like to litter.
I also locked myself out of my own house today. Because I'm a fuckin' dumbass.
I think I'm a lot more coherent and a lot better writer in this thing when I have shit to write about. Like themes and what have you. It'd be fun to do like Q and A sessions or something. Haha so if any Loyal Readers have any fun ideas for journal entries leave a comment in the box. Man this'll be fun....surely my box will be overflowed with comments and my mind flooded with ideas.
Welp goodnight friends. I shall leave you with a joke.
One day followin' weeks and weeks of rather peculiar behavior, a wife decided enough was enough, and demanded her husband seek psychiatric evaulation. So after a heated debate the husband agreed to see the doctor the followin' week. So the man walks into the doctor's office, yet something is afoot. For you see, this man, as an act of defiance, had decided to wear nothin' but clear, plastic seran-wrap from head to toe. Fortunately, the lobby was empty and the receptionist unattentive so no one noticed. Eventually the Husband gets called back and walks into the doctor's office and takes a seat legs spread-eagle straight in the air. The shrink then looks up, shakes his head, and mutters..."Sir, I can clearly see you're nuts" |
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[Jul. 11th, 2009|04:30 am] |
Sometimes we just find people that we reach out to and expect nothin' in return. We put the effort because we love them and ideally we'd like to see that love reciprocated...and it is...oftentimes tenfold and it drives us to reach out and delve into another person even more. Yet, it's the times when answers aren't always there, and the words don't help, and nothin' seems to matter. Rarely will you have those that care about you enough to do everything you'll let them do to make sure they don't go to bed feelin' worse off than when they woke up. I'm tryin' to do that...and I know it's hard and I know it goes against my basic character and thought processes to work at something and not have my investment equally returned to me the exact moment I put myself out there. But it's not about that...it's the big picture. Learnin' to love and bein' consistent for another person regardless of the circumstances. I'm doin' that. And maybe I don't always reap the benefits immediately..and sometimes like tonight I feel like I'm doin' very little good. But when I hear you say you love me...that's enough to keep me tryin'. I don't even think of it as a burden or some mountain I have to climb...I believe you and I crossed paths not because we were meant to, but we by pure happenstance ended up gettin' attached to one another. And I like it..I like how our bond formed and the current manner in which it exists. It's a very beautiful thing...
But understand I'm not lovin' you because you return that love back to me everytime 100%I love you because I'd be a fool not to. Hell, I might always love you way more than you love me...that's ok with me. I just wish you'd be happy...and I wish for just one little bit of time I could let you see how I view you through my own eyes..then I promise you'd never be sad against. One day the Happy Endin' ball will bounce our way surely.
Haha I'm such a loser...but I can't much help it...you don't find a girl like that just any old where...and I'm tired of lettin' good one slip through my fingers. |
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[Jul. 11th, 2009|03:35 am] |
I wonder when the world became so damn complicated. I've noticed it here lately more than ever. I was tryin' to play a Madden game and I got a phone call..and the computer was playin' music and the TV with the cable hooked up to it was playin' some movie and I was like..whoa hold up too much shit is goin' on at this current moment.
And I think I'm a victim of the Too Much is Goin' On Age. There's too much input goin' into our heads, we're all overloaded. And that's partially the reason why so many people on Earth feel overwhelmed. It's gone beyond our primordial insticts of: food, water, mating. There's just too much shit to try and micromanage nowadays. And I hate my brain because it makes all these spiderweb connections and branches out into countless directions and I can't focus. If I have something I really want eventually I can be tricked into carin' less about it. I think that's how we all are. The thinks we can't have we tend to covet the most. And we often place unfair judgement on ourselves because something we might have only wanted minimally at first...our feelings become amplified once someone else is able to obtain it before we're able to. And we beat ourselves up and feel down due to the fact that we feel inadequate. But we're not, just something's don't fit together. I heard a song lyric on the radio today...that sounded pretty good. And I'll paraphrase here..."Not everything's meant to be...something just happen". I, Brandon Robles, believe we're ventured away from lettin' life happen to us. We're always limitin' our scope of ambition to that which we desire, we generally, I believe, that wish we're not seekin' yet happens to come upon us is oh so much sweeter. It's back to my favorite word...serendipity.
And I love you. And I don't understand why other people don't see what I do. It makes me sad, and it makes me even sadder than you don't believe me when I tell you how amazin' you are. Maybe I'm just the Jake Delhomme of relationships...when I have a bad game it's a terrible game...and it stands out so much because for the most part I'm the one that always pulls through in the end. I don't know...it's really not about that. It just makes me feel bad when I can't make you feel better. And it's not for wont of tryin'. I try like hell, but I can't get a word in edgewise...and then there's all this pressure to think of the perfect thing to say...when in all reality nothin' I can say will unconvince you of what you're convinced of. And I feel bad sometimes with agreein' with you and pointin' out what you obviously know but don't wanna believe. I'm not an honest person by any stretch...I will lie, cheat, and steal to get to the top of the mountain. I only care about myself for the most part. But if I really, truly care about you I will NEVER lie to you...I'll be as honest as I can be.
So here's the thing...you're never, ever satisfied with what you have. Sometimes that's great...it's an excellent motivation tool...why settle for mediocrity ya know? Especially you. Yet, on the other hand...sometimes whenever life overwhelms you or events transpire that you don't quite understand..and you always go someplace that welcomes you with open hands and attempts to comfort you..then why not stay awhile? You don't hafta live here forever...but I wish you could just be happy with me. In my eyes you can do no wrong...and I'm not naive and believe you're perfect. You aren't. But I love your flaws. How you worry too much about things. How most of this worry stems from factors that our out of your control. How you don't quite see how amazin' of a girl you really are. It blows my mind...and I try you this all the time constantly...and you DO NOT believe me. But does it deter me? Hell no. I'll tell you every single time I can as long as I have to till the end of time until you eventually realize how much I really care about you. I care about you so Goddamn much I just want you to be happy.
I get where you're comin' from...you never wanna lay your whole hand in on the table 'cause you don't wanna bust. Makes sense to me...been there...done that..hell still doin' it. But you're better than me...I can see it. Surely somebody else in the world can. And even though secretly my deepest wish is that you go through every single other dude on the planet and come the conclusion that not a single one cares about and loves you as much as I do...even I can't don't have enough wishes built up for that shit. Don't be sad...I just want you to be happy. I want to make you happy...and it makes me sad when I can't. When you won't let me.
Haha and that has nothin' to even do with Tiffany! Dammit man...how am I 'sposed to win the race when I'm more concerned with the chase? That's the problem right there. It's all about the chase...the chase is the fun part. It always has been...but then when you catch 'em..where do you go from there? You get into all these scary parts of relationships that force you to be vulnerable. And I for one am not a fan. But alas I know that I'll never be truly happy without love...as terrifyin' as the shit is.
The fact of the matter is...I'm just gonna be me. No matter what...despite all the events that transpire throughout the history of time I won't change. I might change if someone gives me reason enough to...but I can survive based on how I am. I just wanna somebody to exist on the same plane of love as I do. Doesn't seem too extrodinairily difficult.
We're swingin' the bat. So that's a positive step in the right direction...Our eye's good and we're hangin' tough at the plate...we surer than hell ain't got a read on the pitcher's intentions...but fuck it...maybe we'll get lucky.
PS. I walked out my back door last night and they're was a motherfuckin' BLACK CAT starin' at me as soon as I opened the door MEOWING like a mo'fucker at me! I was so pissed off! The end of days is near for me Loyal Readers. |
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[Jul. 9th, 2009|03:19 am] |
I really need to write more things down in my notebook I carry with me from time to time. I always think of these great insightful things (to me at least) and I always tell myself...Dude, don't forget to write about that later. But I always forget. I'm a forgetful person. The reason bein' I have such a constant flow of ideas and thoughts and scenes and scenarios runnin' through my head all the time constantly. My brain is always tryin' to make all these connections and tie everything I see and feel and hear together and sometimes it does. Most of the time it doesn't..it just all becomes disjointed tangents that flow off into some other subject or thought process and then it's off to something else and so on and so forth. Think of my head as like a movie...there's bombastic sequence, with all kinds of big explosions and death-defyin' cinematics, then that's followed by some ridiculous one-liner or humorous rant that upsets a character or sets off a chain of events that somehow morphs into a tear-jerker in the most improbable way possible; and all this is based on a TRUE STORY!
That's what it's like in my head, a giant movie that makes sense in bits and pieces but doesn't much a lickabit of sense when you put it all together. I have millions of ideas, in fact, I dare say I'm one of the best idea-dudes I know. I just can't channel them. Well I don't really mean can't...I reckon I mean won't. A part of me likes the recklessness and free-flowin' my thoughts have. Sometimes it's fun to pretend that what's in my head is truer than to life than what is actually happenin' in my every day existence. I've always had an over-active imagination. I can always think of crazy thoughts or whacky characters or fun/interesting situations. It isn't exactly productive currently, but I imagine it very well can be. I just need to center myself for an extended period of time and focus on specific things and form some sort of something. But a part of me wonders sometimes if that would taint the whole idealogy of my ideas...they're ideas to me because they come and go and I kind of dig that whole fleeting concept of thought. Because in my estimation, everything is fleeting, most everything dissipates into the wild blue yonder only to be conjuered up again somewhere down the line. This isn't a negative thought, to believe that everything will eventually leave you, it's empowering I believe. It gives you reasons to hold on to whatever it is you're lucky enough to attain and it provides you with the incentive to do everything in your power to retain the joy it brings you for as long as possible.
But my thoughts just swirl and fly through my head with reckless abandon. They don't worry about tomorrow or what really happened yesterday...they just enjoy the moment and on rare occasions try and exist beyond it. Not so much through tomorrow, but just a little farther than the previous thought before it. I don't know why they work like that....hell sometimes it seems as if I'm not even in control of my own thought processes. Like it's just a hodge-podge mismatched collections of theories and stories that make a certain bit of sense but are for the most part absurd. I like it in my head though...much better than the real world. That requires you be MA-Tour and ADD-ulty. I don't like that shit one bit. And I'm startin' to kind of come to terms with that fact that maybe MA-tour ADD-ultness isn't quite something I'm meant to be. I'll probably always just be a dude that lives life with no regard for much of anything aside from what he loves, whom he cares for, and that which makes him happy. Of course none of these things make me any monies...some I'm gonna hafta find a way to make this profitable. I don't wanna be rich...just wealthy enough that I never hafta worry about not havin' enough.
I guess that's all I got for now...I wish I was better at specifics. Tomorrow perhaps I will try and chronicle my thoughts a tad bit better so I can reiterate them to each and every one of my you, my Loyal Readers. Haha it's the least I can do. I'm not proofreading this entry because I don't feel like it...so I hope you folks can dicpher my misuse, omission, and general lack of proper grammar. Haha don't blame me...my THOUGHTS TOLD ME TOO!
Goodnight friends. |
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| Entry 470. |
[Jul. 4th, 2009|04:14 am] |
I find it amazin' how it's possible to love so many things on such a variety of levels. It baffles my mind and I'd love to 'splain it to you but I don't much care to put forth the effort. I'm just tired. Yet in spite that I am rather weary, I can so totally come to terms with the way things are, the way things may have been, and still have faith to wholeheartedly believe in the way things very well may become. And perhaps maybe that's my even-keel attidude. Yet so much of it isn't, a lot of who I am now in based upon the fact that I am the person that fits in the realm in which he exists. I'm just tryin' to be happy with the hand I've been dealt. I have goals and aspirations, and while perhaps they aren't the loftiest of achievements....as least it's something to progress towards; and I ain't ever been much of one for goals and step- by- step plans. I've always been the type to just make up as I go along....and to appreciate and cherish the moment. Perhaps that's why I have such a short term memory, a good part of me just wishes every experience was as real as the first time it's ever occurred. And I ain't sayin' I've been there and seen it all. I just can judge my experiences and realize that certain people and things have had a much more profound effect on my life than others have.
And I'd love to list them all for you, but I'm very tired...and I feel like a good bit of times my words are the end all be all and other times I feel as if no matter what I say, it will have no poignancy what so ever. And so it goes as my dear friend Kurt Vonnegut would say. I don't believe in shit happenin' for a reason and I know you have to find your own reasons as to why shit happens...but maybe it's ok to be who you are.
I'm too tired and sleepy to continue to type....everything is all squiggles and it
s too hard to type. Not that I wish to forfeit the written word...I just can barely focus. Perhaps we'll carry on this conversation at a later date and time. |
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[Jul. 3rd, 2009|04:10 am] |
So I've been playin' a lot of basketball lately. And you know what? I've actually gotten pretty ok at it. I wouldn't say dominate. But I developed a left-handed hook-shot...a left-handed REVERSE from the right side, and one or two other moves that aren't really moves at all, but they work. Haha, I'm proud of myself for actually practicin'! The other night I stayed out there long after everybody else left into the night and practiced shooting jump shots. The hell of it is, it actually paid off, because no I can actually hit an a fifteen to eighteen footer so at least people have to respect that and can't just keep me from the basket all the time. I learned this little tidbit a long time ago, not sure where, but it's important to make your opponent prepare for as many things as possible. Dominance can be dimished but versatility is invaluable. Meaning the options you have at your disposal then logically it gives you a distict advantage over your adversaries. You don't necessary have to use them all, sometimes all it takes is one deviation from the norm and that's enough to grant you that one extra split second to utilize against the opposition. I think that's a good lesson for sports stra-tegery and life too probably.
IN other news I do believe Tiffany's angry with me because I couldn't come to the beach. Naturally I was completely unaware that I wouldn't be makin' the trip up until the final hour, otherwise I would've informed her. Maybe that's what she's mad about? I mean I reckon I can see bein' angry, but damn, it wasn't really my fault (ok it was) but I couldn't really help it, so it's hard for me to just be like, "alright well you can be pissed as hell." And just when we were really startin' to click too and things might could have progressed to another level haha I go and fuck shit up. What else is new though? I wonder how many times I've done this very thing in some form or fashion?? Been right on the cusp of gettin' a girl to buy into to me and have feelings start to develop only to do something stupid, that I might have been able to control, but by the time it happens there's not really shit I can do about it? Haha I'll never get a girl if I keep doin' this shit! I'm not really this bad of a fuck-up. I'm good with women. I understand them (well as best as I can hope to), I listen to them, I'm very nice to them, and I make them laugh all the time and try and make them feel better when the world gets them down, but Jesus Christ I have literally the WORST TIMING when it comes to startin' or rekindling relationships. Haha maybe I'm cursed? I'm probably just a dumbass more than anything. Oh well, I'll think of some way to make it up to her, 'cause things really were goin' pretty good. We'd text back and forth every day (which says something 'cause I really don't much care for textin'), and talk on the phone most nights (which says a LOT more 'cause I HATE the phone). And I was totally startin' to really like the girl. I can't fuck this one up dammit ME! Stop! If my love life was a football game...it'd be the equivalent of trippin' right before I kicked the ball off; no one does that! Haha well hell Brandon Robles does a lot of shit that no one ever does.
So now I have no Fourth of July plans nor do I really have any monies to actually go anywhere cool. But on the bright side I could always get drunk and walk over to Creekside and watch the fireworks! But naturally I'll be by damn self. All my friends are either at the beach or the lake! Oh well, the FOurth's one of my favorite holidays so it'll be a good time no matter what I reckon. If all else fails I can always just go get some meat, throw it on the grill put some beer in the color, eat, drink, and then go watch shit blow up! AMERICA! FUUUUUUUUUUCK YEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAH!
I had a thought earlier, I've known Kelly Scott for nearly five years and not one single time have I ever asked her what she was doin. You know how like whenever you call somebody or talk to them or whatever you usually preface the conversation with what are you doin? I've never once done that when talkin' to her. I doubt it's not 'cause I don't care what she's up to, I reckon I just never think to ask. Part of me I think likes to be this fun little voice that just kind of pops in, says something and then pops right back out. That probably explains why I don't wonder anything if she doesn't text me back or respond to facebook shit from time to time. I just think it's weird how anyone else in the whole wide world that'd annoy me to no end, but with her I just kind of say, welp that's just Kelly Scott bein' Kelly Scott, she's probably out on some fun adventure. I mean shit the girl has like 2000 some facebook friends...plus she's very pretty and super fun, so c'mon man, I'm not gonna try and bogart her all to myself. If shit hits the fan I always know if I call her and absolutely HAVE to talk to her she'll answer. Hell, if needs to talk to me, she always calls twice if I miss the phone the first time. I like that. I like a lot of very small, little, tiny things like that about Kelly Scott. And I love her very much. We just kind of have this really cool bond, and I enjoy the hell out of it.
Well that's pretty much all I got for now...it's late, and the sun's startin' to come up, and surprise, surprise I'm still awake. Who would've ever fuckin' guess right? I hope all you Loyal Readers have one helluva Fourth of July and if I happen to have any Canadian readers then Happy Canada Day! Yesterday. Night friends.
ps. A very old man with a retarded hand gave me a free six-inch sub sandwich coo-pon the other day...it was awesome. |
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brokenwaves's journal